you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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