Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
