he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
