I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
