and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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