She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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