You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
