I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
