you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
