i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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