when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
