alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
