In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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