i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
