I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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