Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
