Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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