I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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