I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Randomize
