In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
