How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
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When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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