Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
