i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
