Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
