The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
