I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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