Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
