I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
