U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
