How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
