you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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