Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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