I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
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He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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