He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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