i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
