I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
