if you like me you must not know who I am
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
