If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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