So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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