there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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