He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
