I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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