Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
