Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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