if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
