Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
