There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
