I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
