I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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