We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
