Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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