Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
