Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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