there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
