I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
